Link (That’s me.)

Readers,

Yes, I know this is unprecedented: I am blogging for the second day in a row. However, people, I feel compelled to do so. These powerful feelings force me to propose new legislation that should be enacted across the country. Heck, the United Nations should consider doing something about this epidemic.

Some background:

In criminal law, we can fit wrongs/crimes into two categories: (1) malum prohibitum and (2) malum in se. The first category of wrongs, malum prohibitum, are crimes because society labels such actions as wrong (“wrong because it is prohibited”). The second category of wrongs, malum in se, are crimes because they are inherently wrong (“wrong because it is”).

Examples of the first category, malum prohibitum, are speeding, loitering, and the like. Examples of the second, malum per se, include assault, theft, and the like.

My proposed legislation addresses a wrong that isn’t wrong because society should say so, but is wrong because it just plain is.

And without further ado, I present “The Lincoln Act” in a rough form:

The Lincoln Act

Crime Name: “Unlawful Elevator Usage”

Type of Crime: 4th Degree Misdemeanor

Defined: It shall be unlawful for any person of any age to use a public elevator for the purpose of going up or down 1 or 2 flights. Only individuals who (a) suffer from an extreme physical inability or (b) are transporting a large quantity of items are exempt from this statute. Individuals with a rolling briefcase do not qualify under subsection (b).

Punishment: Up to $250 fine, up to 30 days in jail, and mandatory 20 hours of climbing stairs.

That’s right, I’m making it against the law for all those ridiculous people who use the elevator to go up 1 or 2 flights of stairs.

It just drives me bonkers when I’m going up 17 flights and someone hops on at floor 12 just to go to floor 13. It’s not a crime because society should say so. That, people, is a crime against humanity. Now, yes, I understand that there are people who are too old or whose limbs aren’t existent/functioning. I account for that. And there are people who have lots and lots of stuff to carry. I account for that too. However, if you don’t fit in one of those two categories, I have a third and separate category for you: “Lazy.” Take the stairs for heaven’s sakes! And no, I don’t care if you have a heavy backpack or rolling briefcase. Pick it up!

You wouldn’t believe how often this happens to me at work. At least three to five times a day, I swear. Additionally, I was subjected to an even wrong, that deserves its own separate definition:

Crime Name: “Aggravated Unlawful Elevator Usage”

Type of Crime: 3rd Degree Misdemeanor

Defined: Includes all elements of “Unlawful Elevator Usage.” However, it becomes “aggravated” when an individual enters the elevator, selects a floor two flights up, and as doors are closing proceeds to realize that he in fact only needed to travel one flight of stairs. Thus subjecting existing elevator occupants to not one but two unnecessary elevator stops. Thanks, buddy.

Punishment: Up to $400 fine, up to 45 days in jail, and mandatory 100 hours of climbing stairs.

That happened to me on Monday. Defense attorney walks into elevator on floor 10. “Alright, great, floor 12,” he says as he presses the button clearly labeled “12.” I roll my eyes a little. Doors begin to close. “Oh wait . . .” His chubby finger proceeds to press button “11.” Uhhh . . . it was about all I could do to prevent myself from audibly blurting, “Are you serious?“

Individuals are obviously unable to combat the serious problem Unlawful Elevator Usage. If the government doesn’t step in, people will continue to harm themselves and those around them. Only through passing the Lincoln Act can this harm be averted.

Readers, rampant laziness and apathy is sweeping across the nation. Across the globe. Contact your local congressman to get the Lincoln Act passed in your community. You’ll be glad you did.

Sincerely,

Lincoln Elliott Fielding, Not-quite-esquire

(On a side note, I bet my parents and Mallory are sure glad that my legal education is being put to good use.)

Alright, here is some wonderful dating advice given by Texas Tech Head Football Coach Mike Leach. Man, I wish I knew this stuff years ago. Maybe I would have nabbed Mallory sooner.